Plot 2

Plot 1

疫苗与大环境

大概是三年以前吧，有位从加拿大海归的朋友跟我抱怨，说孩子回去打疫苗的时候，医生听说前几针都是在国外打的，就强烈建议她给孩子继续打进口疫苗。她问为啥，医生说“你懂的”。她其实不懂，但还是稀里糊涂的同意了，然后为此多交了好几千。如今新闻报道出来，她想必会去给当年那位医生送面锦旗。

我们经常会讲到“大环境”这个词，很多人并不真正理解它的意思。一件不正常的事情，因为“大环境如此”，就被轻易的正常化了。比如，你今天开车上班，十字路口有行人闯红灯、有司机不打灯就换道，于是你惊出一身冷汗，险险的开到公司。你很不爽，你觉得他们都没有遵守规则，但想想这都是司空见惯的事情，所以好像也没什么可以抱怨的，因为大环境就是这样。于是我们生活中出现了两种规则：一个是纸面上的明规则，一个是大家实际上遵循的潜规则。这个潜规则也就是对于我们来说更为直观的大环境。

习惯大环境可能是每个人最先想到的生存之道。比如，我们知道房价不合理，于是我们省吃俭用倾全家之力攒首付；我们知道吃的不安全，于是我们尽量自己种菜自己吃，世界各地抢奶粉；我们知道空气差，于是各种口罩空气净化器清肺偏方一起上；我们看惯了拐卖儿童，于是家里四个老人两个大人一起盯着孩子以防走失。我们如此善于习惯大环境，有时我甚至怀疑连我们政府自己都惊呆了，于是不断使出新招数来试探我们的底线：黑砖窑黑监狱黑工厂可能离大多数人生活太远，不足以让大家不习惯，那这次来点疫苗怎么样？

可能我们没有意识到，当每个人都如此善于融入大环境的时候，这个大环境的自我强化功能是一等一的。现在有多少人在骂百度竞价排名，当年就有多少人为Google的离开叫好。如今，防火墙里墙外两个世界，我们已经不知有汉、无论魏晋了。2006年我第一次到波士顿，印象最深的是犹太人大屠杀纪念碑的碑文，全文如下：

“THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communists. 

THEN THEY CAME for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

THEN THEY CAME for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.

起初，他們追殺共產主義者，我保持沉默，因為我不是共產主義者；

當他們追殺猶太人，我保持沉默，因為我不是猶太人；

當他們追殺工會成員，我沒有說話，因為我不是工會成員；

當他們追殺天主教徒，我保持沉默，因為我是新教徒；

最後，當他們對付我的時候，再也沒有人站出來為我說話了。

如果结合一下我们的国情的话，我大概还来得及在微信上给自己点根蜡烛。

My Two High-risk Pregnancies

Before Gang and I planned to have a baby in 2013, I had never expected myself having anything to do with “high-risk” pregnancy. I was young and healthy, no genetic disease, and women in my family never had any problems with conceiving or delivering.  Even today my mom is still proud of her intense physical exercises when she was carrying me.

Things went smooth at the beginning too: I got pregnant and saw a little heart beating in the uterus during my first OB visit. We shared the news with our family and friends immediately, hearing their stories of how to raising kids and imagining how our baby would look like in the future. Every office visit went well; every test result came back fine. The only thing that bothered me was morning sickness, which also started to disappear after the first trimester.

Then something weird happened in my 25^th week. It was an afternoon in October; I was working in my office as usual, packing my things up and getting ready to run for the BART. Then I found I was bleeding. I didn’t know why it was happening or how serious it could be, so I called an ambulance immediately, which took me to the nearest hospital. I was told that I might have a preterm labor due to frequent contractions and therefore transferred to Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley which can handle situations like this.

I received magnesium for two days, a medication to slow down contractions for women with preterm risks. Then I was told that they couldn’t find out why I was bleeding and they couldn’t identify the bleeding spot. But I was told that they ruled out the bleeding caused by placenta detachment, which was their biggest concern. I was discharged three days later and told to rest as much as possible.

I followed the doctors’ instructions and went home. I still couldn’t believe that I was suddenly considered as a high-risk pregnant woman, but I was confident that I should be fine. However later that night, I started to feel more frequent and stronger contractions. I started to realize that something may be wrong, but in spite of all the discomfort I didn’t see any bleeding or spotting, which made me hesitate to go back to the hospital. Finally I couldn’t stand the pain and we ran back to ER, where they found out my placenta was completely detached from uterus and my baby already died. And because the placenta blocked cervix, all the blood stayed in my uterus and I failed to observe them.

That was the most dangerous moment in my life. I didn’t even have time to cry for my baby girl: I fell into coma soon and woke up two days later after an emergent surgery. I lost 2-liter blood and was very sick for a long time. Later I learned that my case was further complicated by pulmonary edema, which happened 1 in every 5,000 blood transfusion with a fatality rate of 9%. But luckily, my lungs finally recovered and surgeons were able to avoid a C-section and left no scar in my uterus. I was told that I could get pregnant again in three months.

Placental abruption happened to less than 1% pregnancy, and it was even rarer for healthy women (no high blood pressure, or diabetes, etc). And even it happened, it usually detached slowly from the uterus over a long period, giving mama and doctors enough time to respond. While in my case, it was completely detached and it happened very quickly – more quickly than any of us could respond. Doctors were not able to find out the reason, but they believed that pressure and tiredness can be a potential cause. When I think about the few days before the accident, I was working late to meet a deadline, and I did feel tired every morning when I got up to catch the 6:50am BART. Maybe my body was already sending me warnings, but I was too busy to notice them.

(And for those who are interested in testing your math, here is a good question. The probability of having placental abruption during a pregnancy is 1%, and 5% of these placental abruptions are considered as severe. Let’s say 89% of women with abruption receive blood transfusion, and 0.02% of blood transfusion causes pulmonary edema. What’s the probability of having a severe placental abruption and pulmonary edema at the same time? And if the probability of having placental abruption is randomly distributed among pregnant women, think about the total number of your female friends, what’s the probability of you knowing anyone with this experience?)

Therefore I became more careful when I was pregnant again in October 2014, one year after my first miscarriage. The previous experience changed my opinion on pregnancy: it’s no longer a natural, easy process, but something that needs intense care and extra attention.  This pregnancy had a less optimistic start. During my first visit, I was told nothing was observed and we should come back one week later to try our luck. A week later, we finally saw a little heart, tiny but beating strongly in the uterus. What a relief! MY OB also explained to me that because of my history, I may want to be extra careful with this one, and follow up with her more closely. After the first few prenatal visits, I talked to my manager that I wanted to change my job to a part-time one. Luckily he was very understanding and was flexible with my schedule. But then things got worse, I had to work from home to spend more time resting in bed. And a month later, even wfh became impossible, and I was completely off work until delivery.

Bed-rest is not as comfy as it sounds. Spending the entire day, entire week or even the entire month on bed is horrible. But things started to get better in May and I started to walk around a little bit. I even tried to wfh again in early June, which seemed to be a bad idea – a week after I started working, I was sent to emergency room again due to frequent contractions and high risk of pre-term labor. Doctors were not able to find out the reason for my frequent contractions, and they were concerned about my blood work result: one result showed that I might be experiencing some internal bleeding, and they were worried that my placenta might be detaching again. Therefore they decided to keep me in the hospital for observation. Luckily my placenta stayed well for another month until Alby was induced. Alby was born a little premature, but we are very grateful that he arrived safely and healthy.

I do not write this article to scare anyone about pregnancy. I only want to say, pay attention to your body and do not over trust yourself. Sometimes we are more vulnerable than we thought we are. And always get enough rest when you are pregnant.  Also I wish there are more supports for pregnant women in the US: I was lucky that I have a supportive OB who wrote notes to put me off work for half a year, and a considerate manager who approved my disability leave, and also the fact that I live in California allowed me to collect some disability benefits to pay my rent; but I know a friend who also experienced a high risk pregnancy but wasn’t able to get any rest at home because she was in a state without any disability leave. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I continued working during this pregnancy, and I’m glad that both my OB and I were more alert this time and were able to address any changes timely.

我在美国

前言——北京再见

2008年11月，北京奥运会的余温尚未散去，街头偶尔还能看到蓝天，暂时被压抑的房价还在酝酿着卷土重来。我裹着一件厚棉袄，拖着满满两大箱东西，登上飞往三藩的飞机。箱子里，有我出去旅游搜集的碗碟瓷器，有我精挑细选留下的几件最喜欢的衣裙，和十来本备考GRE的书籍。飞机在云层上的十几个小时里，我的脑袋里一片混沌，过去七年的时间如同一场梦境。

在北京，我度过从16岁到23岁年轻美好的时光。第一次远远的离开家，到陌生的城市求学；在学校里结识了来自天南地北的朋友和老师；或清醒或迷惘的选择了自己的职业道路。而我决定离开北京的前夕，也恰恰是我生活刚刚起步的时候：那时我刚通过了公务员一年的试用期，把户口落到了北京，开始打算买房子，我看到我的未来似乎和这个我打心眼里喜欢的城市密不可分。然而对我来说，又有不得不离开的理由。

当时我新婚的先生何钢，刚刚从哥伦比亚大学（Columbia University）毕业，由纽约搬到硅谷，在斯坦福大学（Stanford University）开始从事一份研究员的工作。我们在饱受纽约——北京两地生活的折磨之后，决定折衷在美国西岸团聚。相比于公务员一眼就可以望到头的生活，我甚至不知道这趟航班结束之后，从我下飞机的那一刹那，迎接我的会是什么。不确定性总会让人不安，我的这段旅程似乎也有了点义无反顾的味道。

湾区（Bay Area）

           下了飞机，迎接我的是惊艳。

           这是我人生中第一次被天气惊艳到。三藩国际机场（SFO）外晴空万里，天是好久不见的湛蓝色，暖风熏人，阳光灿烂。当时正值11月，温度却依然保持在20来度。往来的行人穿着短袖T恤、牛仔裤和凉拖。在人群中，穿着当季厚棉袄的我反倒显得有些奇怪。

                写到这里必须先介绍一下“湾区”（bay area）这个概念。沿着三藩市恰好有一个海湾，海湾沿岸是一溜小城（见下图）。城市虽小，却集合了一群赫赫有名的大公司，包括Cupertino的Apple、Mountain View的Google、Menlo Park的Facebook、Palo Alto的Tesla等等；同时还有隔湾相望的两所“世仇”高校——斯坦福大学和加州大学伯克利分校。这些小城市彼此间不过是10-20分钟的车程，却连成了一片规模相当的技术集群。因为它们依湾而建，这一带也常被称为湾区。湾区临海傍山，四季如春，常年艳阳高照，只有在每年年末或是年初的时候会集中下一个月左右的雨，就好像老天要把一年的眼泪都在这一个月里哭干。我去过十几个国家，到过上百个城市，其中不乏依山傍水的风景名胜，但没有一个地方能有湾区这样宜人的气候。而事实上，对于湾区天气的赞美，永远是社交时打开话题的不二选择：几乎所有人都会感慨一下“天气居然能这么好”。

我就这样刚从北京这样几千万人的大城市里到了这一片充满田园气息的小城市群，我恍然置身于另一个世界。周围不见高楼大厦，房屋普遍低矮的多；最常见的是一、两层高的小洋房，前后院花团锦簇，很是别致。路上也难得看到熙熙攘攘的人群，行人屈指可数，大多牵着小狗，三三两两并肩而行，很有点悠然自得的味道。我们俩拖着行李箱上了当地的城铁（Caltrain）回到我们在Palo Alto的住所。已经习惯了人挤人的北京地铁的我，面对只有两、三个乘客的车厢目瞪口呆，有一种“这都可以啊”的感慨。后来我才意识到，在美国搭乘公交是多么罕见的一件事。这里的公共交通落后到令人发指，车辆班次少、路线少，票价却不便宜；相比之下廉价的汽车和汽油让普通民众不得不选择开车出行。就连钢钢这样坚定的环保主义者也在我到的第二天买了辆二手车。

车坚强

                这部蓝绿色的Nissan Altima是我们在美国的第一辆车，3000美元从斯坦福同事那买的。这是一辆1996年的老车，到我们手上的时候已经跑了12万mile，直到2012年卖掉它换新车的时候，又增加了4万mile, 却一直保持着零故障的纪录，故而被我们称呼为“车坚强”。

                来美国之前，我没有在国内上过驾校，连方向盘都没有摸过。所以在美国生存第一课就是学开车。和在国内考驾照一样，这边考驾照也分笔试和路考；但和国内不一样的是，这边不需要考生们去驾校上课，只要你能通过考试就行。笔考还算比较简单，你可以选择用英文、西班牙语或中文作答，问的都是基本问题。（当然即便如此，我第一次还是没有考过，被朋友们嘲笑好久。）真正麻烦的是路考。而路考的规则也因各州而有不同。比如在麻省，你必须会平趴（parallel parking），而在加州你只要会靠边停车（pull over）即可。对于菜鸟司机来说，还一个喜大普奔的地方是加州路考不用上高速，相传是因为以前有位考官在指导考生上高速后不幸因公殉职。本着以人为本的原则，DMV决定保护考官不参与让新司机上高速这样的危险行为。

           本着省钱的原则，钢钢担任了我的教练。在我学车之前，也收到若干警告，比如“千万不要让老公教开车，绝对是夫妻关系的第一杀手。”如果要我总结一下的话，宽容的老公真的很重要。我学车的地方是在Palo Alto和Mountain View交界处的一个大Plaza，那边停车场很大，赶上08年经济不好车还特少。我就在那边停车场上一遍一遍的兜圈子，试验刹车和油门。等钢钢确认我能准确分辨左右和刹车油门之后，才放我到小区里溜达，他坐在副驾上神气的“左拐”、“右拐”的下指令。然后就在我学车不到一星期的时候，他神奇的把我指上高速。我还记得自己当时面对前后车辆的灯光，心惊肉跳，钢钢自己也紧张的把手一直放在手刹上。1 mile之后我从出口夺路而逃，体会了一把速度和激情。

                不过上高速似乎还有些壮胆的作用，我学车的经历在此之后似乎也变的顺畅起来。即便如此，我头两次路考依然因为一些脑子短路的行为挂掉了。按照这边的规矩，考驾照要交26美元，这包括三次笔试和三次路考的机会。如果三次之后还没过，就得重新交钱考试。       好在第三次考官高抬贵手，让我成为了拥有驾照的亚洲女人！对于在美国居住的外国人而言，驾照的意义不仅在于你可以开车，还意味着你去任何地方都不需要再携带护照了，驾照等同于你在美国的身份证。

在拿到驾照之余，我也会感慨和国内动辄上千的驾校费用相比，在美国考驾照似乎是个极为平凡的事情。一方面大概是因为在这里，汽车是生活必需品，而非奢侈品，天价的驾照不太符合民众对于驾驶的一贯印象；另一方面DMV也没有胆子把驾照作为生财之道，敢把它高价外包给驾校。不过今年我回国感受了一下中国司机的驾驶风格之后，倒是稍微有点明白了国内强制要求驾校学习的意义。虽然中国交通规则似乎很严格，但是路上换道不打灯、在路肩上开车、强行并道、不尊重行人、无视交通灯的车辆随处可见。我想，也许要在这种野蛮的环境里开车，还真的需要受过专门训练才行。

                而车坚强则默默的见证了我从刹车和油门都会踩错、到可以和钢钢在长途旅行中换手开车的过程。也因为两个人可以轮流开车，我们得以实施一些长途的旅游计划，比如从湾区向东开14个小时到黄石公园；向北开两天到西雅图（Seattle）；向南一直到边境的圣地亚哥（San Diego）以及更远的拉斯维加斯（Las Vegas），凤凰城 (Phoenix)和图桑（Tucson）。美国的高速公路四通八达，平整宽阔，一路上人烟罕至，却往往能看到别有风情的地形地貌和景观。

（to be continued)

关于英美

如果不是有个诱惑的工作机会摆在面前，我们大概一辈子都不会考虑搬家到英国去。也正因为如此，所以当我们需要决定是否搬家的时候，有过很多反复和踌躇。

我从没在英国生活过。但是11年曾经在瑞士住了三个月。正经事没做多少，把周边的国家玩了个遍。最深刻的感觉是“欧美”是完完全全两个世界，对欧洲大陆的印象基本上差到“宁可回国也不要呆在这里”。后来反思发现这种偏见主要是因为我个人艺术修养太差，觉得去卢浮宫排队看画还不如直接上Google Arts Project，可以反复看，仔细看，慢慢的看； 在加上对户外抽烟、喝酒等欧洲人以为的浪漫情调，以及大小城市满地垃圾和烟头的不可容忍，我觉得这辈子跟欧洲实在没有什么缘分。

在瑞士毕竟是旅居，而这次考虑定居的问题，顾虑也就不一样了。我先说英国的好处，再说美国。更确切一点说，我比较的是伦敦和湾区。

作为饱受美国扯淡的医疗体系之苦的人，英国的NHS简直就是发达国家的范本。虽然它医疗技术落后，看病周期长，但仅靠免费二字，就可以秒杀美国医疗。对于职业女性而言，长达九个月的产假足以令零产假（按联邦法）的美国孕妇羡慕嫉妒恨到死。

还有不少人谈到的英国职场的吸引力在于其工作压力小，节奏慢，更不用说英国的faculty进门就是tenure了，各种没有压力啊。在伦敦工作的话，虽然要挤地铁上班，但想想也是节能环保啊。

英国人普遍各种绅士，各种nice，实在客气的让你无地自容，叹为观止。

英国的绿卡好拿，公民好拿。基本上你有工作了，就板上钉钉。

当然还有个好处就是，根据国家间政治，中美之间或有一战；中英之间。。。想都不要想。

发现关于英国的好处已经扳着手指数完了。

美国地域辽阔，各个地方相差很大，我只说我熟悉的湾区。

天气。湾区各种阳光明媚啊，常年温度不超过25度，不低过10度。不需要雨靴、不需要雨伞，一件T-shirt，一条牛仔裤穿一年。

Casual life style. 我们公司唯一的dress code是，不要光脚，其它的你爱穿什么穿什么。话说我们是给government工作这样真的不要紧吗。

便宜的生活成本。车各种便宜，即使是湾区油价也不过是英国的一半。如果是生活重度依赖汽车的人，搬到伦敦会很辛苦吧。更不要说Costco这种为广大人民喜闻乐见的物美价廉的杂货铺。

工资还是比较高的。同行业，类似经验的职位，湾区的工资大概是英国的1.5 – 2倍（把英镑折合成美元后）。

宽敞的住房条件。我万万没想到自己会打出这几个字。湾区几个million的小黑屋非常有名，常常遭受德州人民的嘲笑。但是只有看过了伦敦及其近郊房屋条件和售价之后，才知道湾区的房子多新、多大、多舒适。

华人力量大。人多决定生活质量。湾区华人数量众多，于是各种中餐馆、中国店、中国习俗得以尊重。

所以，要实现朴素的中产阶级的生活理想，美国是不二之选。这个世界上，只有美国梦，没有法国梦英国梦，还是有一点点道理的。

Back to Work

Today is my last day before going back to work. A lot of things happened, and I finally admit that this is how life looks like, and there are many things out of our control.